Yep, just dyed my hair brown. Its kinda dull and whatnot ... but ... meh. I wanted to go a darker purple brown sorta colour, but Chris and Alecia (pronounced: a-lee-see-ah ... she hates being called Alycia or something) told me going a darker colour straight away from blonde would be too drastic a change. So here i am ... a dull brunette.

As for work, have opened and closed shop now ... i suppose that makes me a proper manager now ... i don't feel like it, though. Worked my first 12 hour shift on Wednesday, 7am to 7pm and then the following day an eleven hour shift from 7am to 6pm. Yay. I am still feeling the effects of it and its Saturday!

Our dog Tasha was hit by a car about 4 weeks ago ... and then a number of days after that our cat Keeley ran away and we haven't seen her since, though David swears he's seen it around. Got two new dogs now: Tobey, mum's dog, and Zane, my dog. Zane's a corgi x border collie, and Tobey's a shih zu ... or however you spell it.

Um ... Kim's coming down from Queensland soon. She's gonna kick my arse. She wanted me to move up there with her, but ... well ... i told her i was interested and i still am ... But she wants me up there before december, and that ain't gonna happen. Why? coz of these reasons: i've just been promoted and if i move up there i'd have to find a new job pretty quickly so i can pay the rent .. and guess what, that's likely to be a supermarket job. Kim moved up there because her soon-to-be step mum was offering her a traineeship. Kim received a job, a place to stay, and family she could be financially dependent upon. I'll have none of that. I don't have any family or anyone up there to see, and when i move, Kim wants me to help pay the rent. That is basically the only reason she asked me to come up. I wasn't the first person she asked, which leads me to think everyone else knocked her back ... so ... she came crawling to me. If she wanted me to come up part way through next year it'd be different ... but ... i don't want to quit right now. Maybe once i've gained all the experience i can at IGA ... but until then, until i know how to do everything like second nature, i don't want to go. I'll only start at the bottom all over again, no matter where i go.

Anywho ...

I don't really have much else to write. That's the events of my life ... not much. Meh. Wait til next year, i plan for that to be my "get-off-my-arse" year. Sound good? Well, it better.

What does the title/ subject mean? Good question. Make of it what you will. Me? I'm over it, and probably won't speak of it ever again.

So, my life since May? Um, not really interesting. But, on the plus side, i'm being 'promoted' to assistant manager at the store i work. Yeah, its good. Apparently i'll get more hours (although i already work as much or more than the other assistant managers ... about 30hours, more or less).

Uh ... Kim moved to Queensland to work for her step-mum and apparently she's hating it. But ... that's only coz she doesn't have a social life. The people she works with are 10+ years older than her.

You know i don't really have much of a social life - i've never really had a social life - but i'm actually surprisingly content with my life. I would like another job but ... since i'm being 'promoted' (you may be wondering why i put promoted between these: ' __ ' but its only coz i don't get paid more, i only get more responsibility and its not a formal title for my job. My boss just said he's gonna teach me this and that so then i can work weekends and take some of the load off Chris) Where was i? I always do this, get lost because of brackets ... um ... Oh right: since i'm being promoted there's little point in searching for another job which might give me less hours. I'm just gonna gain as much experience as i can from this job and then ... when i can work out what i seriously want to do with my life, i'll start trying for another occupation.

Man, i wanna learn to shoot ... Nope, its not psycho ...

My older brother Thomas is back from Egypt, Greece, Turkey, Qatar, Singapore ... And i see him about as much as before -- once a month   Okay, not quite. More like for 5mins once a week. Yeah, not very close to him. Haven't been for some time. I never know what to say to him ... its kinda awkward. A bit like when we have our family Christmases and Easters -- with my grandma and my aunts and uncles and cousins, etc, etc.

I'm way closer to David than what i've ever been. And on that topic, he's got another job. He's paying me back bout a third of what i've loaned to him over the year ... He's paying me back $200 ... Yep, i invested a lot in him ...

What else? Might be moving again, since the landlord wants to sell, and someone might be buying the house and whatnot. Yay, just what i need.

I'm so exhausted. So much work.

But ... meh. Life is full of work, right? Unless i happen to marry some rich dude (which is unlikely ... i probably won't get married at all) or unless i win lotto, i'm gonna be working until i retire at the ripe old age of 90 ... okay an exaggeration, but seriously, for my generation, our retiring age'll probably be risen to some rediculous age.

Eh.

My back is kaning me. Hectic, exhausting day today. Even my lunch break was interrupted coz we were so busy.

Suffering from netball withdrawal ...

Also ... had a pretty terrrible cold .. still got the remnants of it (you can hear it in my husky croaky voice). I did the irresponsible thing: when i began to suffer from the symptoms, i didn't take my asthma medication ... and then WHAM! i'm hit with a bout of asthma on top of my cold. Yay. So, i was sent home from work 2 days in a row. Which was crap coz we're seriously short of staff. Especially now that Renae and Alex have quit (though Alex might come back ... but not sure yet). I doubt Kevan (boss) would accept Renae back even if she asked for her job.

So, i'm gonna go.

I'm not really sure the last time i wrote ...

Well, I'm the captain of my netball team (i begged and begged for someone else to be captain ... I really am not captain material ... I have no leadership skills whatsoever ... but ... it seems i'm captain for the rest of the season ... my coaches idea -- bitch). Um ... i'm working more hours now ... on average i work 27 hours a week -- ranging from 24 to 35 hours. I earn $14.something an hour ... so i earn approx. $300 a week. Its cool. I'm saving up for my own computer ... I have managed to save $600 so far, but have my car insurance to pay which is $350 and i also wanna become a member of the gym that's recently opened in my town: but that's like $300 and then on top of that i have to help pay for groceries, bills and i pay board.

Meh.

Um ... haven't really done much since the last time i wrote. I work almost everyday now, and then on the weekend i have netball. Sunday's my only free day ... and Sunday's boring.

Mel and me plan to be gym buddies ... Erin wants to join, but ... i doubt she will.

Heh, its weird, i'm finally getting along with my boss. I've never really not got along with him, but his personality is so ... 'in your face' ... maybe that's not the right phrase ... I mean his personality is sooo loud and ... i don't know ... but he takes a while to get used to -- well at least for me.

Mmm ... what else? Oh! I got my VISA debit card today ... which means i can make online payments! Yay! So there goes my savings, hehe.

Well ... i ought to go and shave my legs for netball tomorrow.

Sorry, i know its not interesting ... but when is life really interesting?

Cyas

It's my day off and ... well ... i was hoping to sleep in at least until 9am, especially since i am constantly having to wake up at 5:30am for my 7am shifts. But no, it wasn't to be. My brother Joel is finishing an assignment ... and ... well ... he's still doing it. School starts at 8:50am, and its now 9:30 ... and he's still finishing it. I had to wake up early so i could drive mum to work, and then keep her car until i could drive joel to school.

Grr ...

Ah, i should stop complaining.

Mum's been pretty good lately. I'm not sure why. Maybe the thing with dad and David has something to do with it.

Joel speaks to this counsellor from the domestic violence ... centre or something (a government organisation), and she was shocked to find out what had happened between dad and David. She'd spoken to dad, and she said even she was surprised it went so far.

I was sort of thinking, as i was walking to work yesterday, I've coped surprisingly well with everything (oh i'm sure if i spoke to a counsellor or something we'd find i'm barely sane and hanging on by a fraying thred). But seriously: I had to cope with so much from the age of 12 ... and ... although i can be really dark and depressing, i still feel i'm relatively ... normal ... That wasn't the word i was looking for ... but my brain goes blank like that so often ...

I'm not scared of my dad, or my mum (except when she goes totally psycho and throws things at me), which is good. I like not fearing my parents. When i found out about what dad did to David i just stormed around there. My dad's just lucky i'm a weakling and can't beat people up (yet ) coz i felt like hurting him ... I think i also have anger management issues ...

I'm thinking, that in a few years, if i still have my issues that i might just get some help from a psychologist or something. It's not like i can really bitch in depth with my friends ... or my family ... Erin feels uncomfortable when i get really emotional (perhaps because most of the time i pretend like things don't hurt me, i "act tough" ... don't get scared of most things -- except spiders, of course). Kim is sorta like me in the sense of avoiding tears and heartache, just pretending its not there (fuck, kim's life is more screwed up then mine! Expecially her dad ... the things she has found out about him over the years that i've known her ... Luckily her dad lives interstate ...) . My friends at work ... i don't really discuss this stuff with.

You know, i think the reason why i want to learn martial arts and whatnot is so i never have to feel scared. Never. I mean, i'm pretty good with controlling my fear: i can walk in the dark, by myself, at midnight, and even if someone was following me (which has happened once) not get scared. I remember walking with Erin once, home from netball training. Some guy was walking past us, and then next thing, he's following us ... Erin was hell freaking out, and demanded i ring my dad. But i really wasnt bothered by it ... Hmmm ... maybe i don't really care about the harm that comes to me. I mean, i have contemplated suicide more than once ...

But ... i want to be independent, which is why i want to learn to fight. I want to be able to handle myself, especially if someone decides to get physical. Right now, i would not be able to protect myself.

I'm not sure where my rambling thoughts are heading ... and i'm too depressing. I need to lighten up ...

I'm having a flu shot today, at 3:30pm ... yay. Should be a piece of cake after my tattoo. Which reminds me, i should probably put the antiseptic cream on it ... I don't even know how long i have to apply this shit for ... Eh. I'll stop in about a week ... if i become infected and die, well ... it was meant to be.

Hmm ... I know i have said this before (well ... i think i have said it in my blog ... not sure. I forget the things i write), but i'm gonna learn the thesaurus (obviously a small thesaurus). I love the thesaurus. Makes me sound smart. Which is why i wanna learn it.

Not sure how long this entry is, but i'm sure you're all bored of me. I'll reply to comments and whatnot tomorrow or the next time i'm online. I gotta get my brother to school.

Cyas

My family, that is. Sure humanity's fucked up, but ... nothing compares to my family.

So, i'm not moving out now ... No, my mum's still a bitch, and i still wanna ... but ... I'm not moving in with dad. Never. "Why?" i hear you ask. Well ... its coz he's a bastard and tried to beat up my brother.

Okay, so my brother David and my dad hate eachother, but they live together. The fight was over chips ... sounds rediculous, eh? But, they fight over everything.

So, David rings me up, coz i was over at dad's hanging out with David for a bit earlier on. And i was there when he ate these chips that started this whole domestic dispute. So, he's asking me to verify that he didn't eat $5 worth of chips, that there was only a handful left. So, i was still talking on the phone to David when my dad tried to take the phone off of him. David told him to piss off and pushed him away. Dad whacks his hand on the fax machine, then goes "that's it ..." and hangs up the phone. I get concerned and mum and i went to drive around there. On our way, we see David running across the road in bare feet, crying. David doesn't cry often, so we were pretty freaked out. What happened was that dad was advancing on David, and so David being the oh-so-sensible person he is, tries to wrestle dad to the floor.

Well, after that, my dad wouldn't let him leave the fight. David tried to run away, but my dad grabbed him, dragged him by his leg and wrestled him to the floor, where he pulled David's hair, and "accidentally" kicked David in the head with his boots.

My dad goes on about how its self-defence ... but ... you don't know my dad. He pokes and prods you, grinds your knuckles together, and jabs his fingers into your shoulders; pushes you around -- and that's what he calls "doing nothing".

I stormed around there and yelled abuse at him ... I don't give a fuck if David started the god-damn fight or not, you never hit your own child. Never! I haven't spoken to him for a few days.

See, my family is fucked up ... Unfortunately I'm just as screwed up ... It's too late for me ... I'm lost to the world. But hell, i hope my little brother Joel turns out normal. He's only 10 and he has to deal with all our shit ... I try to protect him ... but ... truth is I'm probably tainting him more when i try to protect him from our crap ...

On another note, i played netball on Saturday -- and we lost. I'm over losing now ... But ... fuck, i've never done so much exercise in my entire life! I was Centre again, and running everywhere. I got like every second ball, and no i'm not bragging. But i got best player ... yay ... (sorry, not very enthusiastic today).

Anyhow, so that's how screwed up my family is. And then i wonder why i have intimacy issues. Heh ... I'm surprised i haven't lost my mind by now. Or perhaps i have and this is what insanity is like.

Oh, a question: If you chose to commit suicide by cutting your wrists, would you cut up your vein, up your arm, or cut across your wrist? My brother David and i were debating such a thing last night, and i swear its deadlier to cut up and along your vein. Correct me if i'm wrong and David's right.

Mmmm ... thinking of other shit to convince you of my family's insanity -- Oh, you're already convinced? Oh, okay. That was easy. And i haven't even gone into detail and all. Wow, that was easy work on my part.

Okay, okay. I get it. You want me to go. Fine, i will. No, really i don't mind. Rejection comes natural to me ...